July 18. 2016

I Have a Confession

Hey guys, I’m still here. I survived another day! Or at least a few days since I last talked to you guys. Speaking of which, the last time I wrote to you guys I said that I wasn’t competing again this fall. Like I said it wasn’t that I couldn’t but emotional I felt unstable. Just because I am following a road down a different path doesn’t mean I have given up on my journey. If anything it relit my fire to continue on.

That being said I want to talk about something that I struggle with and I know most people struggle with, it is your relationship with food. We need, want, crave that substance and sometimes this leads to issues like eating disorder. Here’s my confession, I have a minor eating disorder. Some people may be offended by that statement but give me a second to explain why.

As a child I wasn’t active. I did not participate in any athletics or activities. My parents went through a hard divorce and I was stuck in the middle, by myself. Growing up, my parents were busy which for the most part left me to fend for myself. Which means feed myself. Survive. As a kid that never had sit down dinners. I lived off ginormous bowls of cereal. I remember my dad finally noticed that I was eating cereal out of a mixing bowl and he told me I was going to be fat. It made me very upset, I was only 7 and didn’t know what else to do.

As I grew up I would eat whatever I wanted. Once I was in the seventh grade, going through puberty, I had gained a significant amount of weight. So much so that other kids my age started a rumor I was pregnant. I ended up transferring schools.

It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I really noticed a problem again. I was stressed about picking a career and life at home was rough. Most days I would eat a pizza, with ranch, and ice cream. Soon my stress turned into underage drinking. I drank until I was full, would be sick, and then continue drinking. I know, not a proud moment of mine.

Weight started to pack on. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care how I felt or what I looked like. It was a problem that I have been working on ever since. Especially now, I felt that since I am not doing a show this year maybe I should go to the store and get the goods… if you know what I mean. You know what a cookie wouldn’t hurt me but here’s the thing. I binge. I eat till I want to be sick. I eat till I no longer can taste the food. My heart takes off and I feel like I am going to die. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A DISORDER!

So me not doing a show was not “oh she can’t do it”. It is I don’t want to for my own personal sanity. It took me so long to be ok with food and then having that food limited is even harder. Right now I’m taking that time to refine those skills. So when it is time guys… You bet I’m all in to win!

Thank you guys for listening to me and the continued support!

Until next time,

Cassandra   

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